WTF?

I'm baffled. Completely befuddled.

How do people do it?

No matter what my DH and I do, no matter how hard we work (and man, do we work hard), we just never seem to be able to get ahead.

We're no better off now than we were 10 years ago.

Ok, well, that's not totally true, but it sure feels like it!

When we bought our first home in '96, it was with the intent to fix it up, live there for a few years, then sell it and move to the country; keeping the original house and turning it in to an office for his business.

Well, we're on the right track being in the midst of renovations that, when completed, will modernize a 60+ year old house to today's standards in terms of "smart wiring" for electricity, cable, internet & telephone.

However, even with that in mind, without selling the current house, there is no way we can afford to move, so we're stuck still.

Don't get me wrong. I love my house...I just abhor the location. If I could pick that house up and move it just about anywhere, I would (with a few minor changes!).

We have friends who are in their second or third home since we've been married. Each one progressively bigger and better than the last. Are they in debt up to their eyeballs and just really good at hiding it? I don't know...

I just don't get it. If someone knows the secret, please, enlighten me!

Am I a bad wife?

As my 10th wedding anniversary draws near, I wonder, "Am I a bad wife?"

My DH, bless him, takes care of 99% of the house work. I couldn't tell you the last time I did a load of laundry. I emptied the dishwasher last week and loaded it up again...first time I've done that in recent memory. We have a lady come in every second Wednesday to vacuum and dust (I have allergies & asthma and can't be in the house when that's being done, so she comes in the morning on a week day).

Our Christmas tree is still up!! It's nearly the first of March and our damn tree is still up and decorated! How pathetic is that? Pretty soon, I can stop being embarrassed that it's STILL up and brag about how early I got it up for Christmas this year!

One of our dogs just had major surgery and in the three days that she's been home, I've only hot packed her sutures 3 times (out of a possible 9-15), given her her meds 4 times (out of a possible 12).

Sounds pretty bad, doesn't it?

Now consider...

Since early December, I have been working 60+ hours a week (the last four weeks have been 70+). I am so freaking tired. All I feel like I do is get up in the morning, go to work in the dark, come home at night in the dark, eat something out of necessity that I have no recollection of 5 minutes later, try to unwind for half an hour doing something mindless, fall into bed, lather, rinse and repeat...day after day.

Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't dream of working the hours I have been - even I think it's beyond ridiculous. I'm a contract worker, so I only get paid if I work. I don't take vacations for the same reason (last "vacation" was in 2003!). I'm having surgery later this spring and will require minimum 4 weeks off of work to recover. That's 4 weeks without pay. That's a substantial chunk of change for me. I have put off this surgery for years because of excuses like I can't afford the time off work. Things are finally falling in to place where I can now feel like I CAN take the time to do something that needed to be done years ago. I'm putting money away now to help carry through that time, there are people in the office that can take over some of the work I do while I'm away, so I don't have to feel completely guilty about leaving for that long.

Marriage is supposed to be "give and take", but lately it seems I'm doing all the taking and not very much of the giving in terms of the daily running of the household, but I don't know how to change it. It's so bad that he called me an "ungrateful bitch" last night. *sigh*

There is nothing I would love more than to stay home and take care of the house and him, but based on our current situation, that will never happen, and so it's "I owe, I owe, so off to work I go".

If anyone out there ever runs into my doppelganger, please give her my number. I could sure use a couple of extra hands...

On another note, in retrospect, perhaps I should have taken home ec in High School instead of shop!

Combining two of my favourite things...

...photography and pets.

There is nothing better than a sliver of late afternoon winter sunshine as far as I'm concerned for candid pet photos.

This is Simon the Simian lounging in the kitchen.

Simon is a special fellow - a stray we adopted in 2000 when we found him cowering on our back patio in a horrific summer thunderstorm.

He has the most incredible green eyes and a genuinely sweet personality and on top of that, he's very photogenic!